Sometimes it is too difficult to find the words in order to describe an experience. You need to take some distance first in order to digest thoughts, emotions and inner conditions that arise unexpectedly, especially when the experience activates illusionary layers and triggers of the ego self due to suppressed emotions and unconscious patterns. I assume that sometimes during an “inner crisis” where a chaotic state of mind takes the leading role, the only thing you can do is just let it be.
After my return from India, a trip that I was planning for a long time, nothing was the same anymore. My perception towards different aspects and things in life, especially the perception towards my own self totally changed. A holistic transformation took place, which I was not totally aware of when it was actually happening as I was in a deep physical and emotional pain. Deep enough to force me to surrender to the whole process.
Every day in India was full of surprises, unexpected incidents, situations and extremes that were urging me to be mindful and present every single moment. One day I was in a mini bus together with a group of artists on our way to the location where we would present our work. The bus driver did not speak any English, although he was given the instructions to take us there. At some point I felt an indescribable discomfort in my chest. I felt that something is going to happen. Suddenly I heard a noice, a dog crying and a female artist shouting in English. The driver did not pay any attention and he continue his journey. I was broken, I burst in tears in my silence…I turned my gaze towards the driver, there was not any possibility of communication or understanding. There was nothing to say or do. I closed my eyes and I focused on the center of my heart. The only thing I could do was to activate a higher understanding and forgiveness for the ignorance of that man. I found comfort inside my heart.
This was one of the many experiences that this journey offered to me. Upon my return to Cyprus I found that the easiest way for me to describe India and my experience there was to say that it was an experience full of extremities in fluctuation, happening continuously from the beginning till the end of my journey. Bringing with them physical exhaustion, mental overload and emotional distress, but of course all that was not the cause of my distress, but something that was triggering me and revealing to me that which is now ready to be seen. This country was urging me to come to my center, to mySelf.
At the beginning I was in a constant reaction and non acceptance of what was happening around me. People’s behavior and mindset, animal abuse, environmental pollution, violence, poverty, all caused by ignorance. Then a food poisoning with fever and pain forced me to stay in bed for two days. I was motionless, not able to stand up or move properly. Although I could feel that this sickness was happening in different levels at once. Everything that was still hurting me inside, especially my recent brake up with a man I deeply loved, was so presence during that time through memories and thoughts, bringing tears in my eyes. The resistance was more powerful than ever, the questions in my head were loud enough to be overwhelmed and my physical weakness was forcing me to stay where I was. I had to allow myself to be totally depended on others and be with the pain as well. I had to stay with my discomfort in a place away from home.
As I was lying in bed I decided to let all the pain come out and stay with it till it is totally seen from me. I cried, I allowed myself to be small, to be weak and fragile in front of others. I observed the weakness, I observed the sadness, I observed all that made me feel uncomfortable about myself, everything that was coming out from me. I accepted the fact that this is what it is and I would not react or resist anymore. With closed eyes I observed the pain and how my body was dealing with it in order to cleanse my system from the poison.
I took a distance from what was happening by firmly stating that what I experience at this moment does not define me. And I observed the whole process with no resistance and with no agenda, but pure acceptance. I opened myself to the light, being in total receptivity in order to take in all healing energy from Source. I chose to be, just be. And then something magical happened. A rapid recovering in the physical and emotional level took place, reminding me once more the powerful and transformational properties of healing, surrendering and mindfulness. I was still recovering but I was suddenly incredibly powerful and strong from the inside, able to see more clearly who I am and how every little thing contributed in this transformation. Every little moment I was able to discover one more thing about mySelf and the truth I am. The more I was recovering the more I could see the dissolution of a layer of illusion that used to be a dark shadow over my essence. A total release.
Total acceptance of how things are and the fact that I cannot control anything, self-love, forgiveness and compassion towards myself and others were a few things that were so clearly and powerfully integrated at different levels in my whole being. A new understanding for myself and others, an upgrade of how I used to see things that I thought they were my burden. A shift of consciousness.
I am forever grateful for this experience and all the lessons that brought along with it. I feel deeply humble and in total admiration for the power I sensed within me and how important it is to be able to control the small self, the ego in order to surrender to my true essence, the higher aspect of my being that is always here. I am now free from the baggages that used to define me. The layers of illusion that were causing my suffering are now gone. I took some weeks to observe this change in order to be sure that it is actually happening, and it is. Now I am resting in gratitude.
I can say with certainty that what I experienced is a transition from illusion to truth. I am more aware of my Self-essence, and a step closer to who I really AM. And I am still experiencing this wave of change, I continuously witness the transformations that this experience brought with it. I can now see my worst fears as my greatest strengths and my biggest enemies with compassion and forgiveness. This inner evolution was a step further in my spiritual path of awakening. This revelation of authenticity that lies within me is a miracle itself and I will celebrate this miracle and the next to come every single day for the rest of my life.
Dear souls that you are reading these lines, there is nothing that can stop you from remembering your Self, your true essence, from being the best version of yourselves and from realizing your highest potential. There is nothing in this world that can stop you from healing yourselves from past traumas and remove all layers of illusion that you previously thought that this is your reality. There is nothing that can ever change or take away from you who you are. No sickness, no thought, no emotion, no action and no others. What you were, are, and will be is beyond all that, and is here for you to discover.
If we observe nature, people and the world we will be reminded that everything is possible to happen in a positive or negative way. When all layers of illusion are dissolved, -especially those that define things as good or bad and keep us in the matrix consciousness, away from the truth- we are able to see higher possibilities of divine nature. From all these kinds of possibilities, we can choose the scenario that we want for ourselves and our lives. When I was inside a black hole I chose to move towards the light, not by denying the darkness but by embracing it. I made a choice.
Infinite possibilities of divine essence arise in a constant flow when we are able to see the higher purpose of the situation that we go through, as long as we do not let that situation define who we are. Along with our highest intention and openness to divine intervention, everything is possible for our highest purpose. Always remember this!
With all my heart, Christina
1 November 2018
Photography by Skevi Laou
Christina Georgiou All rights reserved